Jewsmas Traditions

The Dreidel Game
The Refusal of the Ham
The Mumbling of the Carols
The Ogling of the Shiksa

The Dreidel Game

In the game of Dreidel, participants take turns spinning a four-sided top called a dreidel. On each side is a Hebrew letter, with each letter having a special meaning:

	(nun)		The spinner must take a drink.
	(gimel)		The spinner must tell an amusing anecdote or perform a "stupid human trick".
	(heh)		Everybody drinks.
	(shin)		The spinner must mix a drink of their own concoction and offer it to a fellow player. The other player may either drink it or offer to perform a dare instead. If the drink is refused in this manner, the spinner must drink it him or herself after the dare has been performed.

In the houses where meat is eaten, a large honeyed ham is served. But rather than eat the ham directly, as the Christians would, the celebrant first cuts a slice of the ham and sets it aside, symbolizing the way our forefathers would have turned away the ham, for it is not kosher. The slice of ham is then placed into a tupperware or a rubbermaid and then into the refrigerator, that it may be eaten the next day as a snack or perhaps in a sandwich for lunch.

The Mumbling of the Carols

Caroling is a joyous tradition of Christmas, and so the Jewish Christmas must have it, too. But observant Jews are deeply ashamed to sing songs about Jesus or Santa Claus, so Jewsmas carols are the same as their Christmas counterparts, except celebrants mumble the words when the topic comes too close to these taboo subjects. Here are some heartwarming Jewsmas favorites:

O Come All Ye Faithful

O come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to mmm-mmm-mmmm!
Come and behold mmmm,
Born the mmmm hmmm hmmmm!
O come let us mmmm hmmmm mmmm,
O come let us mmmm hmmmm mmmm,
O come let us mmmm hmmmm mmmm,
Mmmm hmmmm the Lord!

Mmmmhmmm Hmmmm Is Coming To Town

You better watch out; you better not cry;
Better not pout; I'm telling you why:
Mmmmmhmmm Hmmmm is comin' to town.
He's making a list and checking it twice;
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice:
Mmmmmhmmm Hmmmm is comin' to town.
He sees you when you're sleepin';
He knows when you're awake;
He knows if you've been bad or good;
So be good for goodness sake.
Oh!, you better watch out; you better not cry;
Better not pout; I'm telling you why;
Mmmmmhmmm Hmmmm is comin' to town.

The Ogling of the Shiksa

Jewish women the world over are beautiful. What Jewish boy has not caught his breath at the raven-haired Jewish beauty of a Yemeni sabra or admired the proud nose of her European cousin? And yet, the allure of the shiksa, the gentile girl, is as unshakeable as it is unmistakeable. She is blonde, Asian or black, she is carefree and she does not wear a bra.

On Jewsmas, we call to our houses all our shiksa friends and admire their beauty; we sing their praises and laugh at their jokes; we ply them with Manischevitz wine and wonder whether we will get in their pants.